Cuz I promised her

One thing this global pandemic has brought me was the full realization of just how amazingly caring and hilarious my daughter is. And just how much of my mini she is.

I inherently knew, but I finally had that FULL realization. I believe I would have soon but it has been escalated prior to when I thought it would've.

See, I've only been able to see her during video calls the last few weeks. And yes, it has been hard as a parent not to be around my child, but that's not what this post is about.
We've gotten closer. I've gotten to see her for who she is deciding to be. I have seen her blossom and just show exactly who she is.
I couldn't be prouder.

But that's not what this post IS about.

During the last two video calls, she decided I needed to see her stuffed toys because, and in her words, "They're really funny, Mom, cuz of everyone going crazy over buying toilet paper".
I admit I had a moment of apprehension and, I braced myself. As any parent or caregiver knows, children will show us the darnedest things.

But when I saw what she showed me, I laughed. Then we both laughed. Hysterically and to the point of tears.

And at one point near the end of the 1st call she tells me, "Mom you should take a picture...So you can show this to your friends so they can laugh or in case they need to cheer up."

So I did.
And despite the fact I took horrible pictures,  I decided to share these. Because I did promise her.
So this is for friends and family, for anyone needing something to brighten their day, for anyone feeling down, for anyone needing to know that YOU are thought of.

A note: these are T.P. rolls with funny sayings. She has had them for MONTHS prior to these pandemic. I chose to not include her face. 

I HAVE AN IDEA...LETS BREED LOVE

Ok. Based on some stuff I have seen and heard lately I am posting this out of frustration AND HOPE:


REALLY? In light of everything going on, in light of those that died, of families grieving and whom won't get to see their loved ones again, y’all are going to be petty and argue over petty little stupid things? Get over it. There ARE worse things.


My advice:
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY. BETTER YET DON’T ENTER THE BATTLE. Some things JUST AREN’T aren't worth the PAIN AND HURT. They aren’t. Others are. Also learn about choosing your words wisely. TACT is awesome.
I get everyone has their issues & feelings but if others aren’t willing to try or be there or get butt hurt over everything, it ends up being THEIR loss, NOT YOURS.

I am not saying give up. I am saying offer that peaceful olive branch. They don't like, yet fully understand all offered, then whatever. It was offered. Deal with it.
fighting, arguing, being rude, spiteful and vindictive IS NOT going to help the situation.
Hate breeds hate. We see this everywhere.
So why bother with it. It’s not what anyone wants. If you do, I am not the person who should be hanging around you. HATE HAS ZERO PLACE IN MY LIFE. ZERO. It breaks my heart to see so much vile, disrespect and disregard going on around right now. Any time. But wow.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO:
SPREAD, ADOPT, HAVE AND GIVE OUT: Peace, LOVE, Unity, equality, respect, joy, happiness, good memories and integrity.

Pay it forward at least once. In the next few days. But once a month. Make this a habit.

Do a small kindness. A chore, pay for a meal, hold open a door, give a ride, give a few extra dollars as a tip. Waive a payment you normally expect. Donate food and clothes to your shelter.

Adopt someones kids for a day and do something special they normally wouldn't be able to do..

But do something for someone. Heck, adopt or sponsor an animal.

OR SIMPLY SMILE AT EVERYONE EVERY DAY.
Just do it

LOVE IS INFINITE. IF YOU GIVE LOVE YOU WILL RECEIVE LOVE. SO BREED IT EVERYONE.

My thoughts on labor & birth orig 10/06/11

so I had done a similar post on my previous blog. It was long, thought provoking and really cool.
no seriously. ingeniously, insanely awesomely cool. 
It was deleted by my sweet adorable Niece as my blog is linked to my smart phone. DO not get me on smart phones. or why I would link my blog to my phone knowing she plays on it. I know my niece can navigate my phone. APPARENTLY she is now better than I realized. my bad.

so these are my thoughts recapped. really. I don't have time to do another super cool post.
and it isnt graphic. sorry. or really detailed. at all.
so back to my thoughts on MY pregnancy & birth, some super coolness added.

1. I am on a medication that is not great. short version: any woman on this medication should be on RELIABLE birth control as it causes death,  birth defects & heart defects in babies.. No known learning issues but as most babies DIED before birth. oh and my neurologist thinks I am perfectly A-OK to do whatever. righty-o. thinking birth defects & death aren't a good thing but OK. 

1st ultrasound 9wks 1 day

 2.  I did the initial OMG I AM PREGNANT. WHAT TO DO. and bought and tested positive on 20 tests total in a 10 day period. of the 10 First Response Early Result Pregnancy Tests all tested positive. and let me tell you, they are expensive tests. but work. of the 10 Dollar Tree Pregnancy Tests. Only 5 were positive. 5 were negative. and considering I was indeed pregnant, I would much rather go with one that had 100% accuracy.

3. the phrase Morning Sickness is a complete joke. it should be called ALL-DAY-EVERY-DAY-24-7- CAN'T-GO-ANYWHERE-PULL-OVER-ON-SIDE-OF-ROAD-4TIMES-IN-ONE-CAR-TRIP-WHEN-YOU-LEAST-WANT-OR-EXPECT-IT-TOILET-HUGGING-SMELL-RESISTING-GAG-REFLUX-TESTING-3-MONTHS-OF-PURE-TORTURE-I-MUST-BE-IN-HELL-NEVER-ENDING-I-WANT-TO-DIE-PLEASE-STOP-THE-MADNESS-NOW-SICKNESS seriously.

4. suppositories.one of the many treatments that kinda work for morning sickness, is that approximately 15 minutes after you take them, a side effect that often & does occur is diarrhea. so it's stop what is coming out one end, to start stuff coming out another. 

20 wks 11/22/10

5.  the majority of my Pregnancy is a blur. 
I ended up with High blood pressure.
Gestational Diabetes.
mild swelling.
I lost my job when I was 6 weeks along so thankfully, when my Doctor reduced the amount of  hours I was allowed to be active at 14 weeks, It wasn't hard. at all.
My days were spent tidying, looking up baby stuff, spending time with my sister and niece, and trying not to gag/vomit when things I liked, like my shampoo, just hit me wrong.

6. Around 34 weeks we found out that our unborn baby was #1. a girl and #2. had a possible tumor under her left lung. I was told not to freak out/stress and to expect her to be taken away at birth for testing and possibly air lifted to a nearby hospital for surgery following birth.  yeah. I stressed alot. cried alot. thankfully I have an amazing family & support system so at that point, I just had to let it be. what was done was done.  AT this point, weekly visits were done to make sure both she and I were well.

my view of the world approx 38 weeks along  03/23/11

7. Labor & Birth Thoughts.

• I had wanted a natural birth. My mom did it 5X. woman do it all the time. I figured, why not. my idea of a natural birth was i.v. for fluids.  that would be all. I would be a trooper. the only one in my family to do this besides my mom.
  
  
• I was induced for my medical reasons. (see #6, #5 and #1)
• never ever be induced if you do not have to. I had to. It isn't natural for the mom or the baby. 
• consequently, my birth "plan" as it may went out the window as the contractions increased in intensity, duration and started getting CLOSER together. this is because of the pitocin. 
• the 1st tech who did the epidural spent what seemed like hours poking and prodding & retrying while I was hunched over, in pain, breathing through some of the worst contractions ever. only to have the epidural not work. his words "sometimes it is harder to do on bigger girls" won't leave me. ass. 
• the 2nd tech who did the epidural actually did it in 15 minutes.
• I was panicked when I was told forceps needed to be used cuz my baby wasn't doing as well
• not eating at all before was a bad thing. I mean at all. I drank some Gatorade and had chicken broth 2X during. I had tried to eat but that didnt work. 
• what a work out: the 3 hrs of pushing. using the birthing bar (for pushing), the contractions stopping the 1st night. 
• I was amazed by the TONS of specialists who were on hand in case.
• there is pain. lots of it. the epidural helps but they stop it. or did with me about 1 hr before she was born. so I felt that part. and it did not feel good. but it was still wearing off.  
• so much love. I was surrounded by people who loved me. my mom, 2 of my sisters, my brothers girlfriend who was soon to deliver my nephew, and Anna's dad.  and many in the waiting area whom I never saw as they didnt visit. 

first contact 04/08/11

8.  the statistics of the birth. 
Induced at 7am on April 7th of 2011.
Anna was born on April 8th 2011 at 5:47 pm.
LENGTH:    21.5 inches   WEIGHT: 8lbs 4 oz
CHEST &  HEAD: were both  13.5 inches.
LABOR from start to finish: 1 day 10 hrs 47 minutes ( 34 hrs & 47 minutes)

9. after (the) birth: 
I was able to hold her approximately 15 minutes after birth for 15 minutes. . enough time to check fingers, toes, stroke her cheek, cuddle a bit, talk to her and get her calmed down.
tests & xrays were being ordered for her so she had to be whisked away.
I was able to see her at 3 a.m. the next morning.
she was never airlifted away for surgery.
intitial testing showed the tumor was either REALLY small or actually a weak spot in her diaphram.
She stayed in the hospital for 1 week due to a course of antibiotics for a POSSIBLE infection. a better safe then sorry thing.
her pediatricians office checked on her several times a day during that week. I love them for this.
I have been told I am a trooper due to the long labor & birth as well as the fact that most people don't have to go through that. I wouldn't know. It is what I went through. :)

3 am 04/09/11

Anna is happy, healthy & thriving. She is, as of this writing, almost 6 months old and taking a nap.
and let me tell you, being her mom has been interesting. I am learning a lot and have tons more to share.

a celebration, some quotes and a resolution: for Jonathan

I attended the Celebration of Life Memorial of Jonathan Mathew Franco Today.

It was amazing,sad, heartwarming & encouraging
 to see everyone. 
To hear and watch as each speaker took his or her own turn to share memories and laughs
to watch and be awed by  the Honor Guard, 
to see the slide show of pictures of his life
to see the many men & women in uniform that were there 
to Hear the Last  Call to Service. 
to hear and be comforted by the sweet beauty of  Amazing Grace played by bagpipers. 
to watch the Funeral Procession go by (I was out in the lobby with my baby) 
To see the tables laid with items, memories and mementos that meant something to him and his loved ones


but the thing that got me today was the overwhelming love that could be felt and seen  today. wow. 
and to know that everyone shared similar stories and that he touched & inspired so many with his love, compassion, belief &  just by being him. He did not die alone. and his legacy, him, lives on. 


and to be reminded of important things in life: love, living it to the fullest, friends & family. 






And though I wasn't particularly close to Jonathan, I felt I needed to be there. I needed to say goodbye to someone I consider a friend. and a great guy.  He and I have mostly interacted on facebook, and I am truly going to miss his quirky humor, random hellos, "I care about you" smileys, interesting updates, random links, and often thought (and debate) provoking questions, and upbeat personality that beamed.
I am also going to miss randomly bumping into him when he seemed to be buying out the stock of fresh pineapple at stores. seriously. it happened several times over the last few years. remarks & jokes made as well as questions arose.
and he always had a grin & a hug for me at these random meetings. :) and we played catch up. 

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz

Only a life lived for others is a life worth while. ~Albert Einstein

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV 
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV  ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

and now I resolve to be a better person. taken from his facebook about me:


 being wise and efficient with the resources at hand
being too big to fit inside the box
 being an oasis of decency in the desert of the heartless
being the exception to the rule
standing and holding ground that all others have forsaken
never giving up
proving people wrong when they tell me that I "can't" do something
being a support center for others
crossing things off my to do/goals list
never settling for less
impacting lives forever


that is the kind of person I want to be. (there is oh so much more)




His death has affected me more than I thought. but in so many good ways. and today, was a good day to honor his memory. 
my heart still goes out to his family and really close friends as I know the shock has not worn off or set in.

a few links related to his death: (including titles, sorry if I offend anyone)

spokesman review: Highway 20 Crash Kills Motorcyclist

Krem 2 news video Rathdrum Police Officer Killed in Motorcycle Crash Near Cusick

KHQ video: Rathdrum Remembers Officer Franco

KHQ Q6 NEWS video Funeral News Report    spokesman review AM Scanner Traffic last call to service

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time or something like that

2001

 there was a girl who didn't know who she was. or what she was doing in life. or supposed to be doing in life.

she believed in fairy tales, princes in disguise, wishes upon stars, magic in everyday things, humor, chivalry and love at first sight. She appreciated small things, loved literary quotes, the backgrounds and reasoning behind things, and wanted a prince to find and rescue her. She loved and respected herself and found family, friends and nostalgia a focal point.
And she smiled. truly smiled. huge grin, twinkling eyes, everyone around her would start smiling kinda deal.


As time progressed she began to lose touch with who and what she was. She lost the magic and appreciation, she stopped wishing upon stars. she stopped smelling roses. she just stopped without realizing she in turn was losing herself.
and her smile was gone. 

She realized this one day so thus began her quest to figure out who and what she was. It was a long, drawn out process at first but slowly over a few years, she began to regain the magic and appreciation she had for small things. for beauty. for love. for fairy tales. her smile was fleeting. but existent.

During this time, she found a prince. He was kind, considerate, caring, chivalrous.
 but He ended up being as lost as her and not being the one for her. So she grudgingly moved on.  Her parents divorced. She lost and quit a job. and moved out of state.

She again lost herself. So this time, she took a new approach and started to look at herself through life's mirrors. Like before, she began to regain everything.
and then She met her second prince. he was considerate, financially stable, social.....or so she thought. One day the mirrors she was looking through cracked and shattered and the facade she saw him through was gone. She saw the ego, disrespect, poverty, abuse and realized he had nearly destroyed her. she was done.

february 2008

And this time She rescued herself.

this time,  she began to gain everything all back. Over time.a work in progress she called it. Her confidence began to grow. and it showed.
she again believed in fairy tales, small things, quotes, miracles, beauty, love etc but also believed that you could save yourself. and was stronger for it.

dec 2008

One day. another prince came along. he was her everything. they were happy for some time.
 then the usual  problems came along. And then finally a baby.
 and then one day amidst the joys of motherhood and every day relationship life, she realized she had lost herself. though able to smile, she had lost all else.
and once again this prince was gone.

And the little girl who had long ago realized she was a woman now had a little princess to care for.

Thus began the new quest. To regain all that was lost but this time focus is also on the little princess as wwell as to stay positive and this time, to heal inside.

june 2011

as the days pass, her smile returns.her appreciation for beauty and small things has come back. her smile is full fledged.


and as its still a work in progress, the story is still unfinished. the quest far from complete. . .